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[AskMats]: A Friend in Need

Oct 17, 2012

Hello Mats:

I have lots of friends. Not the good kind, though. I'm the girl they always ask for advice. I'm pretty good at giving it, but I'm exhausted. I'm always receiving everyone's emotional garbage and people who are down looooove being my bestie.

Like, I'm the girl that motivates everyone to go out and have a good time. I'm the girl everyone calls when they're down. This morning I got called at 9am (I also received a Gchat at 3am) by a girl who needed to talk to me about her boy issues and I was on the verge of exploding, but instead I just helped her out.

Why am I always trying to heal people? I know you have an advice column, so... is it similar for you? How do you deal?

Hope you're well,

99 problems, and they're all bitchin'.

Alright 99p's,

What's going on? Tell me what's happened. You'll probably have to send me another email because it sounds like YOU need to get some shit off your shoulders. And if you don't do it soon, you're gonna turn into one resentful nasty bitch (you already kind of are.)

I imagine that you’re the type of girl who actually loves organizing nights out and who loves to help people in need. However, you can only be loving and giving if you’re feeling good and confident yourself. So obviously something’s happened.

Don't try to help other people out when you’re down, it’s only going to tire you out and make you resent the people who are asking for your help, which is obvious in the email you've just written me. These people are coming to you because they trust what you have to say and they trust that it comes from a place of love. How shocked would they be if they knew you were writing: “I realize I'm always receiving everyone's emotional garbage and people who are down looooove being my bestie!" or " 99 problems, and they're all bitchin'”?

Maybe part of you always helping peeps has to do with a need for self-reassurance that you are a nice and likable person.

Maybe you have a problem with saying no to people. There's nothing wrong with saying, “No, I can't deal with your shit right now because I've got a lot on my own plate.” You don't need to worry about what they'll think or how they'll be around you if you say no. Saying no would actually work like a filtering system. People who aren't energy-suckers would understand and appreciate it when you say, “No, not right now.” The selfish assholes who don't know how to give and take, would f**k off if you said no to them.

Listen, I'm gonna sound like a broken record here but you can't possibly help others if you're going through some shit. I couldn't. My writing went to shit when I went through one of my traumatic depressing moments in my life. And the only way I dealt with it was to talk to someone about my shit, my garbage. And I kept talking about it, over and over again. I repeated myself until I got so bored with it that it was done. I felt better.

You've got 99 friends who have been bitching to you. Lucky you. Now you have 99 friends to bitch to, so start bitching away, because that's what people do.

I'm out!

Jan 24, 2019