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The Endless [Taobao] Summer
And I'll walk and they'll walk, I'll twist and they'll twist, and I'll shimmy and they'll shimmy. Out there having fun... on Taobao.
By Jul 15, 2015 Shopping
Ever since I was a kid, as far back as I can remember, the summertime for me has always meant long hours whiling away the days, sitting in an office cubicle, surfing for random shit on Taobao. Ever since as far back as I can remember, when the weather warms up and the days grow long and beautiful, I've always savored this time of year to really sit in front of an office computer -- really get my damn face pressed right up in there -- and click through page after page of random shit on Taobao.

Ahhhhh, endless summer. Every day is like a new gift. Were we ever really so young? Were we ever so innocent? It's the permanent Taobao vacation.

To compliment your endless summer, we've compiled this list of shit off Taobao that you can buy or just have a lil' kan kan at.

Unstoppable Water Gun

Price: 335rmb

Nothing says "summer" like that one total bastard child at the pool; you know the one. I hate this kid. No one likes you, you bastard child, you future meth head, you child of divorce. You're getting water all over our towels and stuff, gonna SMACK YOU in your meth teeth face!

Check out the "Unstoppable Water Gun". Looks like the ammo is coming right from the pool, and sort of cranked through the top like a chain gun.


That is pretty unstoppable.

Don't let it fall into the wrong hands.


LEGO Ice Cube Mold

Price: 10rmb

This look like a pretty interesting conversation piece to talk about with your significant other for like 15 seconds before your gaze sort of wanders off to the horizon out the window and you think about how your whole life is falling apart.


Wham-O Slip-N-Slide Extreme XL Wave Rider

Price: 227rmb

Sweet, can't believe they still make these things. Rad. Check out the white kid hovering above the grass there. That's the ghost of the kid that went down earlier, died of massive, full-body third degree grass burns and total circulatory system shutdown.

(Because it's an "EXTREME" Slip 'n' Slide, eh?)


Soda Gun

Price: 7.90rmb

What kind of sociopath do you have to be to spray soda on people.

Like dude you want to spray Sprite on people? Do you know how sticky that gets?

What are you a fucking sociopath?


AEROBIE Orbiter Boomerang

Price: 85rmb

How Silverchair is spending their summer.


Discraft 175 Gram Ultimate Frisbee Ultra-Star Disc

Price: 155rmb

Kinda blows my mind that you can order Frisbees over the internet, paying with intangible currency to accounts that only exist as computer data. And then a Frisbee materializes at your door out of, like, The Matrix.

You know what I'm saying here. Something about technology and progress and shifting paradigms and cosmic ballet and taking the blue pill and blah, blah, blah, something-something. You know.

You know what I'm going for.


Ultra Spiritual Hot Tub

Price: 138rmb

Oh you know me, just having a sweet old wank in my dirty inflatable wank bed.



Pretzel Pool Float

Price: 264rmb

German thing?


Citrus Water Bottle

Price: 125rmb

For people who want an orange or lime or pomegranate citrus flavor combined with their water, which is otherwise known as JUICE, MOTHERFUCKERS, LOOK INTO IT.


This Thing

Price: 141rmb

You can tell I spent a lot of summers outdoors because I instantly recognize this as the mini boss Crocomire in Super Metroid in the Norfair level, which you defeat by exploiting its weak mouth region, pushing it on to the bridge with missiles and super missiles, watching out for the wall of spikes at your back.

Just tons of summers, playing outdoors, laughing, laughing, laughing with all my friends...


Inflatable Floating Beer Pong Pong Table

Price: 466rmb

Basically, an inflatable double-bird to God, just daring Him on an classic, OG, world-ending apocalypse.


Handtrux Backhoe a.k.a. Sand Digger Deluxe

Price: 107rmb

Remember you could always spot poor kid toys like a mile off.


That Briefcase BBQ

Price: 363.80rmb

Really want this one, because I'd show up at the party with it in its briefcase form like, "Oh man, tough day at the office, I hate to bring my work home with me...

...but I might need some help finishing off the accounting on these deliciously barbequed brats!"

And then the look of amazement on everyone's face would be really gratifying.


Darkfin Webbed Power Gloves

Price: 373rmb

"The Contoured 3-D shape provides maximum comfort and dexterity. Perfect for surfers needing extra propulsion to catch every wave. Divers use them for micro-movements and surge control."

This is how BROS evolved out of the primordial ooze at the dawn of history, paddling and then crawling their way out of the evolutionary quagmire, foraging for survival with red plastic cups, the elements beating down on them, permanently frosting their tips -- they crawled, walked, and then drunkenly staggered into the SUVs at the top of food chains to rein supreme over all other bros on the planet.

Fist bump!


Inflatable Pool

Price: 190rmb

Look at how baked this kid is. BAKED. Out of his gourd, BAKED.

"Man, you seen, Dave -- last I saw him, he was talking total nonsense about sparking up a couple righteous jibbers, doing a bag of 'shrooms, and riding a giant donut down to get some Lays at the store."

"That's Dave, man. That's Dave."


Deluxe Watermelon Tap Kit

Price: 589rmb

This is totally Dave's idea. Dave thought of this first. I heard him say it when he'd just done a big ole gravity bong ripper and was, for that brief and glorious instant, totally in tune with the aggregate cosmic flow of the universe.


Deluxe Watermelon Slicer

Price: 36rmb




DIY Tent

Price: 88rmb

"Happy Holidays! From sunny Genocidal Dystopian Fleshbot Society, 2037! Wish you were here! We're coming for your eyes!"


Words: Morgan; Taobao picks: Jin, Juli, Ian
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