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Look at This Fucking Hamburger
Lovely restaurant and bar The Den seriously serves a 900-gram giant burger for giants. Oh you better believe we're all over that.
By Sep 11, 2015 Dining
For some people, it's like they were put on this earth for a purpose. For some people, it's almost like they were put here according to some sort of divine plan. They're here for a reason, know what I mean? They're out there everyday realigning the universe for the better somehow -- for the collective good. Some people, they're out there every day, achieving their greatest self, going the distance, seeing things through, and courageously tipping the metaphorical scales of life in the name of truth, honor, and justice.

For the rest of us, The Den serves a gigantic fucking hamburger for 158rmb. Look at it. Look at this thing. Here it is pictured with a DVD so you can get an idea of the scale.

Look at it!

Look at this fucking thing. It's bigger than God's forgiveness.





I love The Den. Let me just get that little piece of business of the way right now. Are you kidding me? Australians or maybe even British or Scottish or Mongolian of Cameroonian or Iranian people screaming crazily in your face at 5am, dousing you in stale Stella Artois spittle and bad business ideas? LOVE IT. It's a total disgrace.

I don't know how to describe The Den at 5am, which is the prime time to be going. It's like being at a Kazakhstan wedding that's right about to tip over the edge into a black hole oblivion and fold in on itself. You're always on the edge of glory, wisdom and violence at The Den -- right at the intersection of those three things.

One time this guy tried to sell me steroids at The Den. Steroids! Haha. Love it.



Although no less culturally rich and socially pleasing, the scene at The Den at 5pm, on the other hand, is kind of a different story. When we arrived two British guys in their mid 50s were cranking smokes in the front, arguing about their English teaching contracts. One of them called their co-worker a "cunt". Inside, a couple rumpled-looking dudes were hunkered up at the bar, sipping beer and casually watching the indoor soccer match muted on the television. It was mostly empty with a scattering of tables filled with Business Men. But not real Business Men. Hustler-type Business Men. Washed out, rat-faced guys who look like they got busted in some kind of Romanian Winter Olympics bobsled cheating scandal back in the mid '80s and had to reinvent themselves out here in China, importing and exporting choking risk plastic toys in and out of Wuxi.

Basically, what I'm saying is that it's a really outstanding Happy Hour they've got going on at The Den and they've got the awards to prove it.



Happy hour aside, we were here for one thing and one thing only: a burger that's an affront to God. It is, fittingly and divinely, christened the "DEVIL BURGER" on the menu. Feast your eyes.



Looks great doesn't it? I'm respecting the decision to use a classic bootleg Thai porno aesthetic on the picture. And we've got someone off-shot sticking their hands into the burger, showing you what you're getting into.

"Onion bacon cheese fried mushroom in black pepper coleslaw."

Just a bunch of words, my friends, just a bunch of words.

We ordered it from the waiter and he didn't even bat an eye. They've seen everything at The Den, gigantic burgers are pretty low on the scale of interest here. The floor manager had a black eye. When your floor manager has a black eye, giant hamburgers are pretty whatever, man. They don't rate a lot of fanfare. I almost didn't even think it would be coming out at all but sure enough...

...holy fu-











It's a great time to be alive, y'all. It's a great time to be alive.

LET'S GO.





...

....

.....

Hot garbage. It tastes like hot garbage wrongness. The bread is really stale (guessing they don't move too many of these) and so it instantly disintegrated into this.



Just a miserable softball of meat. A totally miserable meat softball. Made me want to barf. Made me want to barf out of everywhere. Mouth, ears, eyes -- it made my eyes want to barf, serious. Just full-on streams of barf running out of my goddamn eye sockets.

So, I'm going to give it like a C+.

Yeah, C+ sounds about right. Luke-warm recommendation on this thing. It was less than ideal. JUST MY OPINION. But you should really try it out for yourself to make up your own mind. I don't want to be the one to deny you what might be a very positive experience with this thing.

It also comes with wedge fries and a side salad.

***

Come on, you know where The Den is. Next to Hooters, my boy. They're open all the time, forever. The DEVIL BURGER is available all the time off the menu.





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  • 2 years ago joshyjosh

    Awesome review! Up their with the ice cream ones

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